This is the very first picture of me alone since I don’t know when. And this my friend, I couldn’t believe to be ever happened on me. I realized that I don’t have a picture of me alone when I wanted to decide the display picture of my vlog and I suddenly felt shivers on my vein. At that time, I realized that Once Gentra was born, I feel like my world, which once rotates around myself, turning its axis. My world has been rotating around Gentra ever since.
There was the time that I didn’t think I could stand this world without him. After so much time spent with him alone, it was natural that I was like living in a bubble with me and Gentra inside–I didn’t want to go out,to talk to people,to be simply social. I just want to take care of him inside our tiny bubble and leave human civilization. I feel I lost myself because everything I did was for him and him only. I ate not for me to enjoy but for him to be healthy as he nursed, I slept at certain time not because I wanted to but because that was the only time Gentra allowed me to, I was happy not because something good happened to me but it happened to him and so on and so forth. I lost myself in the middle of raising the other self.
Then, he’s growing and so am I. He’s growing to be little human and I am growing to be myself all over again. He’s discovering this world day by day and I am rediscovering a bit of myself at the same time. I am learning to be me as Gentra is learning to be him.
Gentra used to be very attached and quite fussy as a baby. By time, he’s getting calmer and it allowed me to have some time to watch my favorite reality show or read interesting books. That’s a very small step yet a big turning point on my rediscovery. I rediscovered that I could enjoy things I used to love even in between nursing my baby. I rediscovered how to be me. Looking back, I feel awesome that now Gentra has had his independent play time. He can stay at his play corner for a while when I need to do something else. It’s been a long way.
Gentra is turning one soon and I should be too. I should be able to be that oneself again. It doesn’t mean I want to separate myself from him. It is impossible to separate your literal soulmate-that soul you shared your breath for 9 months with. The thing is, I need to enjoy myself as Gentra enjoys his. I need to cherish my being by doing something for myself too so that Gentra also respects his being. I need to do things I love, to appreciate things I respect so that Gentra will too. Eventually, everything is still about him but this time, I will not allow myself to get lost.