Since this laid-back mom is not as laid back anymore thus has not written any in a long time, let me take a break to celebrate my son upcoming birthday in the most me way possible: writing. Gentra is turning two in couple of days. We won’t make a party like his first birthday. For his second, we’re planning to enjoy it by ourselves–just the three of us. #ThreeforTwo, three of us for two years. Days when I needed to wait hours for my son to hit the bed while husband is away feel like years. Yet, the days when I saw him play alone got me thinking like why years flew so fast? That is why I want to feel nostalgic about a day when I saw Gentra for the very first time. I want to rumble on seeing Gentra for the very first time and living our lives as three. It won’t be short so be ready.
On my way to the hospital from my dream midwife clinic Bumi Ambu, I laughed and laughed. I’d given up my hope to have vaginal labour. I’ve surrender my stomach to be cut in half. In the emergency room, all checked, my doctor called and the nurse handed us the letter of consent of my procedure. As a person who scared of needles my whole life, I had this indescribable peace of mind as of what to come(you know, lots of needles ahead). Come to think of it, I really do not have any idea how that was even possible, especially my fear of needle just came back once I was done with my labour. Boo. I even got a time and cool to take selfie with my grandma, uncle, aunt, and my husband just before going inside the operation room.
Inside the room, another miracle happened. People who had had caesarian told me that the procedure of the needle going to your bone marrow was unbelievably painful. I, as the person who ever ran away from vaccination procedure and got all my teachers captured me,was extremely worried but there’s no way back. I was trying to chill and listen to the doctor’s instructions. She even explained that the needle going to hurt a lot, like level 3 hurt. She gave my a pillow to hold and bite. She told me to sit down and bend a bit. I felt cold needle on the top of my skin. One, two, three seconds. It just felt cold and I started to wonder when the doctor would pierce the needle. But guess what? She said it’s done. I was like..excuse me? I was confused and overjoyed. I.did.not.feel.a.thing. Alhamdulillah. Praise the Lord. I was shivered uncontrolably when I need to get the needle under my skin due to the lack of liquid in my body–which were supposed to be level 1 hurt. Yet, I repeat…I did not feel a thing for my caesarian shot. This was com from the Almighty.
Afterwards, my doctor asked me about things and the second I remember, I felt like having in an alien abduction movie where I heard voices in the distant and when I opened my eyes, everything was shadowy, my body felt like levitating. Once I had myself together, there was this bulk of pain suddenly hit every inch of my body. Instant pain..as in not gradual. My husband held my hand and I heard my doctor congratulate me. I remember my firs phrase was “sakit banget–it hurts so bad”. From then on, my family members came in turn. Everytime I got someone hand, I thought I almost crushed them due to the pain I would like them to feel.
They took me to my room. I did not feel sleepy at all. I just want to see my son since I was not conscious when I had the procedure. Hours passed and a nurse finally hand me my baby for me to kiss–I was unable to move freely. Right at that moment, I knew where all of sources and miracles came from. It was the Almighty in a form of my baby, Gentra.
We spent that night together for the very first time. Alone. Three of us. For some reason, none of our family was present which was weird considering our culture of accompanying mom right after the birth. Thinking about it right now, I feel upset about it. However, at that very moment, I was cool with it. I spent the rest of my night and dawn looking at my baby through the glass and listening to my husband snore from the end of the bed.
It was not easy to tell the feeling once I saw Gentra and realized that us meant three–not two. First thing was that I did not cry, as I imagined I would be or as portrayed by many mommy moment. I don’t think I am not the happy-cry type of person in the first place. I did not think shedding tears were suitable for the vibe I was having once Gentra was around. Even when I am writing these post, I am trying so so hard to capture my real feeling at that time. My mind is just full of white clouds and sleeping Gentra. That’s it. That very moment was very simple yet complex at the same time. This is one of those moment when any word seems to be understatement and just hope that I was rich enough to hire the whole reality show crew to capture the moment real time.
Sekarang hampir dua tahun kita bertiga. Dari detik saya lihat Gentra pertama sampai sekarang saya udah dua tahun bersama, rasa yang saya dapat rupa- rupa. Gak selalu bahagia. Gak pernah sama. Namun saya tahu pasti bahwa setiap rasanya dinaungi cinta.
It’s almost two years now, we’re being three. Since the first time I saw Gentra till now I’ve spending two years of my and his life together, I felt thousands. Not always happy. Never the same every time. Yet, I know that each and every feeling I have for him, for us, is rooted from love.